whatever i can do i will, cause im good like that.

Sometimes being a good guy means that I have to do things that I don't really want to do; tonight is one of those times. But if it makes someone else happy, then I guess my job is done. I don't even wanna talk about what I have to do...

Jake is all gone and I spent most of my day cleaning up my room and now it looks great; too bad im single. Here's a good question: What does an antisocial single college guy do on a friday night? Well if his name is Nate James then he sits alone in his room, watches Memento, and falls asleep early.

This was part of the paper that I got when I went to donate blood. It's good to have these things spelled out sometimes.

I know that everyone says "I don't care what people think of me". And this statement is total bullshit and the person saying it knows it. I say it and I know that its bullshit... Everyone cares. I go to a school loaded with people I don't know, and to some small point, I care. Not a whole great deal but to a point. If I truly didn't care then I would dress in rags and not care if I look totally shitty... And sometimes I do. Im not to sure where im going with all of this... but my picture today just made me think of it. Yes, that's me in pinstripe boxers.

Jake, my older brother, will be out of the house for good on Friday. Before he only lived less than an hour away. Now he will be about 3 hours away... So visits will be less frequent. He has been my roommate for the past 7 months; he'll be missed.

So I didn't even stay at school all day yesterday, soon after I wrote my blog post I was on my way home. I just didn't feel like going to calc...

I was asked to go out on a double date type thing this Friday in an attempt to hook me up with someone and get me out of the house. I graciously declined the offer. I don't know the girl personally, but I know of her. She seems really nice, but not for me. That and I don't wanna be hooked up with someone; that's not how I roll. As depressing as it can be, ill stay single for a while yet... see what just happens on its own for now; ya know?

In the next two weeks I have two large papers to write; one for philosophy and one for psychology. Both are major grades, I know ill end up putting them off until a couple days before they are due; but I don't really care. After these papers are done all the stress will be lifted off me and ill be able to full relax once again.

Things I plan to do this summer:

• sleep
• party
  
• drink
• go to Canada to party and drink
• sleep
• work
• blog
• sleep
• drink
• have sex
• eat
• try and get in better shape while being hung over
• masturbate
• sleep

I hear something interesting the other day which, I think, is changing my mind... But then again my mind is all fucked up; I never know what im thinking. I hear one thing from someone, and someone else tells me other things and im not sure what the fuck to think. I wish this ear infection would eat into my brain and kill me... HA

im back in class after having three days off plus the weekend... im not enjoying this. Im less than two weeks my psych paper is due, and I miss the day in philosophy where we get our paper assignment for that class. I was relying on my friend to get it, but she skipped that day too... Oh well. There are about three weeks of classes left followed by final; which should be no problem. Im very ready for this school year to be over.

Iv been neglecting my blog, and I haven't been reading any others lately... Sitting in front of a computer is starting to give me a headache. But that is all fading and soon I will be back to my old self again and blogging away... I hope

Better, but not my best.
Im still not the greatest; I doubt ill be getting drunk this weekend. But you never know... Maybe alcohol is good for ear infections; couldn't hurt to try. The worse part of being sick is the amount of work im missing... and thus, the amount of cash im bringing in.

Last night I watched "The Godfather I" then took some sleep aids and passed out... It was needed, the night before I got very very little sleep and with what little I did sleep I was having odd dreams, and some were rather unpleasant.

my movie finally came... kick ass!

so im really sick. Early yesterday morning I woke up vomiting. It went on regularly for about 7 hours... I couldn't keep anything down; not even water. Pretty picture huh?
I stayed home from class and went to the doctor's office. It turns out I have a pretty hardcore ear infection; oh joy. So I get a bunch of pills and drops. I was told not to go to school or work today... not cool! I have a quiz later on for calc, and if I keep missing work ill have no money!

I was feeling so shitty yesterday I didn't even turn my computer on... Now THAT is bad!

The last meal I had before I threw up was some Chinese food... And now I don't think I will EVER like Chinese again; it wasn't pretty.

My head was killing me today so I skipped out of class to sleep... It didn't really help; but it didn't hurt either.

what is it lately with people over reacting to shit??? Is there a full moon or something? I said one little thing to my dad yesterday and he flipped; others have been acting in similar fashions. I just cant wait to go on vacation this summer, it will be the first real vacation ill have without any family or people I know from here with me.

I hate is when people ask me to hang out, im a busy guy... Why should I spend two hours out of the month hanging out with someone else other than the people I see all the time? (sarcasm) Imagine, if you will, someone hanging on a cliff and you need to help them up before they fall. Do you a) wait for them to ask you to help them up? Or b) take the initiative to put your hand out without being asked first?

I really just want this fucking head cold/ear ache to go away before the weekend so I can try to get out and have a good time... But what will end up happening is that ill end up here alone just like last weekend, and the one before that, and the one before that... Oh well, iv asked for this I guess, I have to take what I get.

Lately iv been listen to a lot of Radiohead again, and comparing their first album "Pablo Honey" to there latest one "Hail to the Thief"; damn they came a long way! I love taking a week to listen to all of there albums and hear the evolution of there stuff... I cant wait for the new one to come out!

No philosophy class was the highlight of my day.

Ever have one of those days that just suck? Try having months of those days. Today's shittiness is that I think I have a cold in my ear or something like that; cause its fucking killing me! I took a vicodin after class, but that just made me pass out for a while before work.

The subject in psychology right now is marriage and divorce. The class was asked who was all married; three are, one is engaged and 22 (out of 35) see themselves getting married with-in the next five years; I was not one of these 22. Our teacher looked around the room just guessing who will be getting married some time in there life. He looked at me and just laughed, it was a negative laugh... im not even joking...

Iv started thinking about why I drink on the weekends; it might just be because I have nothing to do, or maybe because it makes me numb and allows me to not feel shitty 24/7 like I have been. Amber, my ex, has been trying to "reach out" it seems... because she is feeling equally as shitty she can, to a point, relate. Right now, any company is good company.

Jake is moving out at the end of next week... This means:

• room to myself
• no more booze connection
• one less person to hang out with

my ear fucking hurts....

what a weekend... wanna recap?? No? Well there it goes anyways:

• Friday night - drunk
• Saturday night - friends in town, cop pulled me over
• Sunday night - drinking/unexpected visit from my ex

So I was walking around town Saturday night with my good friends Sarah and Erin when I cop pulled up next to us and asked to see my ID... I was smoking a cigarette. "Sir are you 18? I need to see some ID." ... "Well actually officer im 19, I know I look young, but here is my ID anyways." for some reason it took the guy like two minutes to look to see what my birthdate was. He handed my license back told me not to smoke and drove off. My town is so little and dull that cops worry about underage smokers; like they have nothing better to do.

I was supposed to go to a party that night and see my friend Rachel, but I just wasn't up to it.

Sunday night while laying in my room watch Sopranos (of course) an old girlfriend of mine text messaged me "what's up tonight?" .... "im bored & lonely & thirsty" which translates: "hey I wanna come over, lay in your bed, and drink your alcohol". Now, most nights I would have told her I was busy; but I was just lonely enough myself to say... "Sure you can come over". So she came by and unloaded about the guy she is with right now and took polls from my bottle of vodka. She tried to tell me about how great I am and how I shouldn't be single and all that bullshit (we are drinking by this point mind you), but I stopped her. I don't need to hear that shit from her; we've only started talking again after over a year of nothingness, so what does she know...

I recently ordered one of my all time favorite movies off Amazon. "Igby Goes Down" Im not sure why I never did it before; normally I would just borrow it from a friend of mine, but she lost her copy... So I got off my ass and got my own. If you haven't seen it then you are a big loser and will continue to be one until you do!

Its been the typical weekend thus far. Got fucked up last night, feel asleep, woke up with a massive headache. Today it felt like someone was driving a metal spike threw my head.

Though I didn't drink alone; at least not at first. I had a few beers with my dad and our neighbor Gonzo. Then Gonzo ran home and came back with a few 24oz. cans of Mickeys Malt Liquor... so I drank that up while smoking a cigar (as pictured). It was a nice time.

And of course after we all disbanded I came down stairs and had some more beer while talking on msn and watching The Matrix Revolutions........ It was a typical fucking night; the end.

Im not going to school today; fuck that
I finally got my computer all cleaned out, fucking spyware shit! Jake that asshole uses my computer to do his crack stuff, goes on tainted sites and fucks my shit up! I told him on day one that I didn't want him doing that. I leave the house for less than an hour and I get back and boom... my computer is shit.
Oh, and Ad-Aware wasn't equipped to handle the shit that computer had on it. It took the help from my buddy Dave (who is the IT guy and school and a computer genie) to get it back to normal. I told him my problem and the next day he gave me a CD full of some hardcore spyware removers... and that did the trick. Now my msn is back on track and my shit is no longer fucked up.Today is "Good Friday" so im supposed to "fast" again and of course... no meat. Where most people have the day off, I do not. In my line of work there is never truly a day off, what I do needs to be done EVERY day to ensure that things run smoothly... Prostitution is a tough business.

Every time I get turned down I think to myself "Fine, im done with this. That was the last time." But it never happens that way... Because there I am next week asking the same questions and getting the same answers. Yet every time I think the same exact thing. Why do I do keep doing it when all I get is rejection? Not even I know...

Anyways enough about that for the time being... Now to continue with my Chicago story.

Topics of conversation with Kira included:

• Canada vs America
• Huge cities (Chicago) vs small cities (Horicon, where I live)
• My Wisconsin accent vs her Canadian accent
• Winnipeg
• my future trip to Winnipeg (this summer)
• sushi
• my sheltered little life
• blogging (duh)
• male statue cock sizes
• music
• how lame I am for not being able to stay in Chicago with her because I had to be at school to take some tests the next day
• peer pressure
• aborigines

I know there was much more... Subjects such as "male statue cock sizes", "peer pressure", "my lameness", and "aborigines" were post-rum. Being 21 and in America Kira picked up some spiced rum from a liquor store while I went and got us two large cokes from Subway... put the two together and fun times are sure to follow.

My plan to be well out of Chicago before it got dark out didn't quite work out. I went to the concert for a very little bit and watched the first two songs of the guy who was opening for KT Tunstall. By then it was about 7:45 and I had to get on the road. I said my goodbye to Kira, gave her a hug, and was off...

The real fun of the day came when I was trying to get the fuck outa Chicago (NOT FUN AT ALL!!) It was dark, raining, and I couldn't see anything do to having my contacts in for too long. And because the roads in Chicago are all fucked up, I miss the one I was supposed to be on and ended up getting lost for about half an hour. Eventually I asked someone how to get to Milwaukee... And was on my way home.

Yesterday was along day... Work at 5 in the morning, then right on the road to Chicago to hang out with Kira. Even though traffic was nuts, I still managed to take a picture of myself driving there... Probably not the greatest idea, but I lived didn't I?
I got to Lincoln Park (a park in Chicago, not the band) around 11:30, where I was supposed to meet her. She was downtown so I just walked around the park, which by the way is fucking huge. After sucks a long drive I really had to go to the bathroom, so I found one in the park and the door was LOCKED! So some guy told me to just go in the drain thing under the building... Like I was a bum... I had to go, so I didn't it anyways... yay for public urination!

Kira eventually made her way to the park and I got to meet my very first Canadian! In fact she was the first person iv ever met (in person) that was from a different country. And not only that, but she's the first blogger that iv ever met. Iv lived a very sheltered life.
For the first time EVER I had sushi. I was very nervous at first and have no idea what to expect. To my surprise it wasn't that bad... It was different, to say the least, but not bad. I don't really know what was in some of them, and to be honest I don't want to know. I had Kira order for me because she's the expert on the stuff. Its not a food I would go out of my way to get, but id eat it again.
Also for the first time EVER I rode public transportation! Growing up in a small town and having my own car I never needed to before. But there was no way I was going to try and drive in downtown Chicago.

There is a lot more to say, but im at school and don't feel like writing much more... So that will have to come later tonight.

To be continued....

I SURVIVED!!!

but im far to tired to write about my day... so that will have to wait until tomorrow.

Ever since I got my computer all fixed up iv told Jake that I don't want him downloading his fucking programs on to it... So yesterday while I was out, what did he do? He went on my computer and totally fucked it up! Now it has fucking viruses and all that shit. So I cant use messenger, and this bubble keeps popping up in the corner saying "your computer is infected". I was fucking pissed... But oh well, shit happens I guess.

Well tomorrow I have to try and not die while driving around in Chicago trying to find Kira... And I have no idea where to even meet up with her. That should be fun. Im looking forward to seeing her, but not to driving there; alone at least.

I believe that I have the same heart problem as my brother. From what has been described to me, its sounds like we're in the same boat... My heart beat in insanely strong. Maybe I should cool it with the caffeine pills...

Today's trip to Chicago:

• Nice day, but kind of cold
• Beautiful buildings
• Homeless people
• Poor homeless guy who came up to me asking for some change and a cigarette... Which he got because im a good guy
• Friends giving me shit because I was being nice to the homeless guy
  
• Cigarettes that cost twice as much there than they do here, but Amber bought them
• Philly steak sandwich made by Italians that was fucking amazing!
• Talked with the head chief at the cafe
  
• Boring tour of an old house

im nervous about driving there on Tuesday... I might die.

Im feeling totally numb today; people are just flying by me.
my fortune cookie said this to me; "You don't need strength to let something go, you only need understanding." It couldn't relate to what has been on my mind anymore than it already did. I kind of feel like an idiot for even going about things the way I have. Iv let day dreams take over my real life and fool me into thinking things are better than they really are. Looking back at times where there was happiness and just reliving them in my mind has to stop or it will only get worse. Iv been holding on to feelings for far too long; feelings that I think actually died long ago on one end, but not mine... Not yet.

It's strange how much the weather seem to affect my mood. Shitty weather, shitty mood. I just need to stop looking outside. Im feeling very young right now, im listening to Nirvana, something I did a lot 5 years ago... It reminds me of young summers where I didn't have a job and just relaxed and slept in untill 1 in the afternoon and when I woke up I would just go outside, swing, and listen to music; I hate getting old.

(picture by jake)

My booze connection may be leaving earlier than I hoped. Jake says he's sick of living here, so he might be moving to LAX very soon. Ill have to drop like $300 down on enough booze to last me a while... or just stop drinking on the weekends.
I have ANOTHER calc quiz today... damn it. I don't really need to take it; we have 5 quizzes total, and the professor drops the two lowest grades... and iv already got two A's and a B+, im happy with that.
Im so fucking tired already and its not even ten in the morning yet. Every morning when I get up I think to myself: "Alright, tonight im going to bed early." it never happens though. I almost died on the way to school when I started to fall asleep behind the wheel.... well I didn't really fall asleep, but it was damn close. I need more caffeine...

Im writing this post kind of late today because iv been busy up until now. Work, school, work, shave, shower, laundromat, Chinese, blog.

I cut myself shaving tonight, but I didn't die, so no party yet.

Today is about over for me and its about fucking time... Tomorrow is Friday and that makes me happy. I had a psych test today and who the fuck knows how well I did; I don't even wanna guess anymore. It was so fucking nice out today; for a while before my test I went outside and just laid in the sun... It was great.

One more day until my trip to Chicago to look at the architecture and "marvel in the beauty", and Tuesday im skipping class to go back to Chicago and hang out with kira for the afternoon... im really looking forward to it.

Iv become addicted so something new... Its called "The Sopranos". Ever hear of it?

(hey look everyone, it's another picture of me looking into my camera phone!!!)
I just got back to school from donating some blood at the blood center in town.

vampire taking my blood: "So you're in high school right?"

me: "No actually im in college."

vampire taking my blood: "Ohhh, so you just look really young then huh?"

me: "HA....yea..." :(

I should be writing my take-home test essay for my psych test tomorrow, but blog posts are just so much easier...

In my drunken state last Friday night I was in the bathroom attempting to take out my contacts and when I reached for the contact solution I knocked a whole bunch of shit down that fell hard to the floor. One of these items was my electric shaver... It broke. See what good comes from alcohol! (actually it was well worth it!) Anyways now im stuck being a caveman and having to used shaving cream and a razor... But DAMN DO I LOOK GOOD!! (feeling full of myself)

When I think did good on a test I don't; when I think I did bad on a test I don't. That's kinda fucked up. On my first philosophy test I thought I failed and I got a B. This last philosophy test I thought that I did really good and I got a D-. Im going to think that I did bad on tests more often.

Another example: The Friday before my spring break I had a calculus quiz. I studied for 30 minutes before the thing and went in and just wrote numbers down and pulled things outa my head... I thought that I failed... I got a A-.

Fuck philosophy... Who needs it anyways? Im not pissed about the grade... Its not like im failing the class now; and there is nothing I can do to change it... So fuck it.

My essay was starting to stress me out so iv decided that im just not going to do it... Get rid of essay get rid of stress... Easy

besides it was only an OPTIONAL rough draft... So it doesn't hurt my grade really

I woke up this morning to the sound of water dripping on my bass; terrific... It had rained like crazy outside and was leaking though the porch into my room.

I tried to do a photo post, but it wasn't working for some reason...

I started my psych paper today! I wrote two paragraphs of what has to become about 6 pages... by Tuesday... fuck!

Yea, so im not lucky... im drunk, and im alone. But oddly enough its starting to bother me less and less. Being ditched and ignored have become a regular part of my day to day life... So im no longer going to put myself in a position to be ignored.

I talked to my friend 'moment' again today about how depressed I felt on Friday. It's always good to talk to her; even though I don't really know who she is.

my weird state of depression passed quickly enough and im good now...

I went into my old posts earlier... Some of the first I ever wrote and even I wouldn't have wanted to read that shit...

... I have to be up in a few hours to go to work; shit...

I totally forgot that it was April Fools Day until Amber texted me saying that she was pregnant...
"oh great," I thought, "why does this keep happening?!?!?"

Of course she then told me it was a joke and bla bla bla...

Iv found that mixing ice-tea and black berry brandy is really good!! So tonight, that's my plan; to possible finish off my bottle of brandy the got to work totally fucked over tomorrow. And of course ill be getting an hour less of sleep due to day light savings time... But oh well passing out doesn't really count as sleep anyways.

With any luck I wont be drinking alone tonight...

I went out with some friends last night to my buddy Ty's house. I got trashed and played/attempted to play pool. It turns out that my abilitly to play pool, which I kick ass at, is slightly off when im drunk. My game progressively got worse as the night went on and as I racked up my drinks. Being the awesome friend that I am, I bought a case of beer. Mostly so I wouldn't feel like a douche bag for drinking all of theirs.

When I got home it was about 2 in the morning.... I think. Anyways, I didn't wake up today until 11:30. What a lazy bastard right?

and I STILL haven't started my psych paper; fuck...