Just because I haven't blogged in over a year doesn't mean I stopped writing completely. I wrote the following couple paragraphs about 10 months ago while contemplating my depression...
The sun beats down on me as I drift ever so slowly down the river. I feel it warm my body as the rays are absorbed into my flesh. It watches as I move and guides me to whatever lies at the mouth of the waters. I can look into the light without shading my eyes and there is neither pain nor damage being done. It is as if I can breathe in the sun’s rays and they alone will sustain me. The sound and motion of the water is calming like a mother gently rocking her child to sleep. A light breeze kisses a soft mist onto my skin and there is a feeling of total security. My raft, a sturdy craft that will never fail me in this place, moves with the current as if an invisible hand slowly guides it along its path. I feel everything; my nerves sense the lightest changes in the wide open world that surrounds me. The river is calm deep within the ravine it has carved in the earth’s surface over many millennia. With the sun above me I can see every fine detail etched into the rock as if by thousands of masons; no detail left untouched, ever minor scratch has its purpose in this natural art. Every color visible to the human eye make up my surroundings, it is a picture created by the world’s oldest and greatest artist.
I blink and my world collapses.
The sun in an instant has vanished and the day has turned black. The warmth has left and after only a second; I cannot even begin to remember how it felt. No longer can I see the river before me; my path has vanished as I begin to careen faster into a deep abyss. My senses are over taken by the crashing storm. Lightning flashes faster than I can count and silhouettes the gagged canyon that has become my cage. My eyes are pained but I cannot close them; every strike rips deeper and deeper in to my skull. I scream. I scream so loud that my throat begins to go numb and my vocal cords cry to be silenced. As loud as I yell to be release from this place my ears ring only with the sound of the thunder and despair rolls over me knowing I will never be heard. The river is against me. What was once a calm rippling brook is now a violent cascading channel of blistering cold water. My raft is no longer a vessel of my salvation. The rapids have all but destroyed her and I am left to cling helplessly on to what small pieces remain. The current pulls me faster and faster in to what can only be deeper into the storm. I struggle to stay afloat while my legs and arms quickly lose their ability to support me. When the icy water is not hitting my face tears sting my eyes. I swallow the toxic water by the mouth-full wondering what why I shouldn’t simply let go. My nerves are raw and it is as if there are thousands of knives slowly penetrating my skin. The world of light and warmth feels like a different life, one that shall never return.
Sitting looking at the blogger logo makes me think of the past, something I try to do as little as possible. I know that no one comes here anymore and maybe that's what I want. I need to write more. I have an urge to write more. I have been told to write more. When this started it was what(?) almost 5 years ago. My god, that seems like a different life, a different personality.
I live in a different state. Not just geographically but psychologically and emotionally. I have hit a wall. I have admitted to my faults and decided to fix (not change) them.
In the following posts (granted that this isn't my last) I will attempt to recall my last year as well as tell the store of my present as I go through what I can only hope will be a change in psyche.
I've checked out. Three more months until I leave and I've already stopped caring about most of this shit around here. To most of my friends I appear as an asshole which is probably true. I go to bed when the sun goes down. I keep my door close both literally and figuratively. I couldn't care less about what my friends think of me anymore and its liberating .
On a more positive note I recently picked up a copy of The Decemberists new album The Hazards of Love and loved it. While some would lay claim that it's not their best it's still totally original and a beautiful work of art. And as with all new album I get I've been listening to it constantly.
The Saturday following my final day as an undergraduate is the graduation ceremony but I don't think I'll attend. It's really only a formality, I actually get my diploma in the mail about a month later. I'm not one for added attention, and I don't like events planned around myself. Birthday parties, graduation parties, any other individual specialties that put me at the center are mostly a waste. I don't enjoy being the center of attention. Then again this web-log is a devotion to my own selfcenteredness...
I stay in a lot these days, no more trips to the pub. The cold Wisconsin winter and my own short comings had caused me to be rather careless in the previous months. I'd go to the bar and have a drink, then another, then a couple more and as most drunks do thought it would be ok to drive home. Nothing bad had ever happened but looking back I would kick my own ass for having attempted such a foolish, not to mention careless, feat. There were even times where I would drink alone at home and the drive to t-bell for a midnight drunken treat. I haven't had a drink in about a month now and it feels so good to once again have a clear head on my shoulders.