Monday, May 10, 2010

Past thoughts today

Just because I haven't blogged in over a year doesn't mean I stopped writing completely. I wrote the following couple paragraphs about 10 months ago while contemplating my depression...

The sun beats down on me as I drift ever so slowly down the river. I feel it warm my body as the rays are absorbed into my flesh. It watches as I move and guides me to whatever lies at the mouth of the waters. I can look into the light without shading my eyes and there is neither pain nor damage being done. It is as if I can breathe in the sun’s rays and they alone will sustain me. The sound and motion of the water is calming like a mother gently rocking her child to sleep. A light breeze kisses a soft mist onto my skin and there is a feeling of total security. My raft, a sturdy craft that will never fail me in this place, moves with the current as if an invisible hand slowly guides it along its path. I feel everything; my nerves sense the lightest changes in the wide open world that surrounds me. The river is calm deep within the ravine it has carved in the earth’s surface over many millennia. With the sun above me I can see every fine detail etched into the rock as if by thousands of masons; no detail left untouched, ever minor scratch has its purpose in this natural art. Every color visible to the human eye make up my surroundings, it is a picture created by the world’s oldest and greatest artist.

I blink and my world collapses.

The sun in an instant has vanished and the day has turned black. The warmth has left and after only a second; I cannot even begin to remember how it felt. No longer can I see the river before me; my path has vanished as I begin to careen faster into a deep abyss. My senses are over taken by the crashing storm. Lightning flashes faster than I can count and silhouettes the gagged canyon that has become my cage. My eyes are pained but I cannot close them; every strike rips deeper and deeper in to my skull. I scream. I scream so loud that my throat begins to go numb and my vocal cords cry to be silenced. As loud as I yell to be release from this place my ears ring only with the sound of the thunder and despair rolls over me knowing I will never be heard. The river is against me. What was once a calm rippling brook is now a violent cascading channel of blistering cold water. My raft is no longer a vessel of my salvation. The rapids have all but destroyed her and I am left to cling helplessly on to what small pieces remain. The current pulls me faster and faster in to what can only be deeper into the storm. I struggle to stay afloat while my legs and arms quickly lose their ability to support me. When the icy water is not hitting my face tears sting my eyes. I swallow the toxic water by the mouth-full wondering what why I shouldn’t simply let go. My nerves are raw and it is as if there are thousands of knives slowly penetrating my skin. The world of light and warmth feels like a different life, one that shall never return.