This is my senior picture. My mom was crazy and ordered me a bunch of wallet sized pics of this one. I never gave anybody one. People would always ask for my senior picture last year, but I never gave them out. Half because I just didn't give a damn about it and half because I never knew where they were. It seems like ages ago when I got this picture taken. I suppose that a lot has changed in my life since then. Some ways in good, some in bad.
Iv begun to feel like iv indirectly fucked up some peoples lives, and in a way, I suppose I have. Or maybe im just crazy.

And thus ends another long boring day...

here is my day:
up at 4:30
work by 5
class by 9
home at 3
work again at 4
home at 7:30
blog at 8:15

So yes, its been a long day. I was supposed to read a 32 page article on attraction for my psych class, but got about 20 pages into it and quit.
It was quit interesting, and iv now got a little more insight on why people act the way they do when it comes to getting attached and being in a relationship. a lot of it I was able to apply to myself and some of the people around me. Things started to make a little more sense, but didn't make me feel any better.

I have a plan; if I can stay at least one day ahead in calc ill never have to go in on Friday afternoons.

I keep forgetting what day it is. I seem to just drift in and out of days and never really bother to know which one it is. I have a real problem with sleep. There are days were I either sleep too much, or way to little. Last night was too little; not a good idea when I have a long day ahead of me, but oh well...

im rambling...

camera phones are fun...

there is a fat redneck kid that sits behind me in sociology and he has a lisp and never shuts the fuck up!

I said my goodbyes to Justin last night before he left. He'll be going back to Iraq soon. He wont be back for about 6-7 months, so it was kind of depressing; more so for Jake. Jake and Justin have been best friends for over 7 years, and there is a possibility that Jake will be moved to the west coast when Justin gets home. But if you ask me, he wont be going anywhere anytime soon.

A lot of my afternoon was watching music videos and reading blogs... I should have been reading my psychology, but im dumb and I didn't.

I pissed off my mom tonight. I told her I didn't wanna be at home for my birthday and she totally took it the wrong way. I just wanna actually go out and do something for my birthday. I mean come on, its a Friday night and I don't have to work. I don't wanna be stuck here all night. But what it seems like ill have nothing to do...

Yes, that is me in glasses (a fourty blocks first I think). Iv had to wear them since I was 10, but when I was 13 I got contacts and my life was changed... Not really.

Uneventful doesn't begin to sum up my weekend, but ill spare you the details.

Gift made more stir-fry tonight and it was awesome, ill be sad when she leaves. NOT just because she can cook, but because its nice to have someone else around other than the people iv seen every day for the last how many years. Gift and I don't talk to much, neither of us have much to say I guess.

I need to get some new movies, iv become bored with all the ones I have. I have to many to list and yet I cant find one I ever want to watch.

I need to have $2000 by the end of the week or ill be thrown out of school; im about $400 short. I need to get some cash from clay, which sucks cause now he has something on me. So now when ever I start making fun of him or getting in his face about something he just reminds me that he's lending me money and I back off; it sucks...

What's the point of being depressed if I cant even write a song about it?
Iv been having a bunch of fucked up dreams lately, when I do actually sleep. Some are so incredibly clear and realistic that I think they are real when iv woken up. One the last nights was not realistic, but oddly clearer. Iv been watching a lot of The Office and I dreamt that Jim finally told Pam that he was in love with her and she didn't end up marrying Roy. I need a fucking life...I just made some apple cinnamon pancakes and they were so fucking good it was scary.

Iv realized that my cell phone is less a phone and more an alarm clock that I pay $50 a month for.

My Friday night was total shit.
Today I had to go and move some shit for my grandma who has Alzheimers; from one floor of the home she's in to another. "It will take about an hour" says my dad. Nope, it took more like 4. I was pissed. It was sad to see my grandma she had no idea what was happening "I don't know what's going on." "who are you?" "what are we doing here?" "Im so confused." she didn't know who i was.

Tonight will most likely be the same as last night. Nothing to do, and no one to be with... Although I do have some brandy and vodka left, but drinking alone will only make things worse.

I think I need to get out of this town for a while, just for a couple days.

My apatite has seemed to have up and left. im hungry, but I don't want to/can't eat. All Iv had in the past 24 hours was a pop-tart .

Yesterday was Gift's 17th birthday. Happy birthday foreign exchange sis.





I was looking for some video clips of Mitch Hedberg doing stand-up and I came across this.
read the error report...

I didn't sleep well last night... again

In philosophy the other day I found a cigarette in my shirt pocket. It was all crushed and the tobacco was falling out. It was from last weekend at the bowling ally. I cant remember who gave it to me. I think I remember Jake Gropengiser and Kale Z where there and I told Kale to go fuck himself and flipped him off.

no calc for me today, I didn't feel like sitting around for 3 hours before class only to then sit around in class and day dream about a different life... I can do that shit at home.

I turn 19 in a week. Ill most likely be alone on my birthday...

At this point I am bored out of my fucking mind.

Iv been thinking a lot about my life lately (mostly cause I have nothing else to do). I realized something. My life is like walking up (or down) a flight of stairs and not being able to see the next step. It's there, but it cant be seen. I think that's why I cant determine what I want to do with the rest of my life, my future is there, I just cant see it. So what do I do? I step blindly to the next step hoping that its not my last.

I saw this article in the paper this morning while trying to quickly eat my breakfast and make come cappuccino for my drive to class. Iv taken to drinking cappuccino on my way to school to prevent myself from falling asleep while driving.

last night was a strange night for me; im not sure why. Something just seemed off, out of place. Im pretty sure I know why, but what I think is most likely just something I tricked myself in the thinking. That happens quite a bit with me it seem. Ill think one thing, and over think it until I think that its real. Then ill let if effect me until I tell myself that im just full of shit... Then it fades away, but never fully I guess.

I didn't sleep well last night either so im dead today.

Iv just passed my 200th post...

I fell asleep in the library today while trying to read a 32 page article on attraction for my psych250 class. I just couldn't keep my eyes open and I passed out for about 15 minutes then got some soda and food to help keep myself awake.

I know I shouldn't but I think Im going to skip calculus Friday. Today while the professor was going over what we needed for the next assignment I was working on the one after that, so Im two days ahead already, so there really isn't any need for me to go and sit there for and hour and 15 minutes when I could just as easily go home at noon and sleep.

today's topic in sociology was suicide, what an upper huh?

yesterday was a long day... My day started at 4:30 in the morning when I got up for work, and ended when I got home from work (the second time) at 7:30. That's how all my Tuesdays and Thursdays are going to be. Its not that bad, I did that everyday in high school.

Bill could allow children to hunt
This is by far one of the STUPIDEST things I have ever read!

"Legislators who fear young people are losing interest in Wisconsin hunting tradition want to allow children as young as 8 to shoot deer. "
do they now what they are fucking saying here "lets give eight-year-olds high powered hunting rifles" THEY ARE EIGHT!!! What are they thinking? To make things worse state Assembly has already passed it with a large portion of the vote. They're kids for crying out loud; DON'T give them guns! I don't give a damn if there dad is standing right next to them when they are holding the thing or not, its still a gun in the hands of a child told to kill things... And for what? To uphold a tradition of killing deer?

I went back to class today and right away wished I wasn't there. My first class was at 11, Introduction to Sociology. I can already tell that class is going to be a tough one... Its about studying people and their interactions with each other blah blah blah... No home work, three tests, and a ton of reading. Im supposed to have some of my book read my Wednesday, but I ordered it off Amazon to get it cheaper and its not here yet... So i don't know what the fuck im going to do about that. I did go and buy a second copy of The Why Are You Here Café. I have to have the first ten chapers read by friday. I think im on 6 right now...Its actually a really good book that kinda makes you think; but I don't know what the fuck im going to do with two copies of it.

my sociology teacher is an older lady with a PHD. Old lady and PHD is not a good mix. Iv found that younger teachers with a PHD in a field tend to be much better teachers for the most part because they are more laid back and lend not to be douche bags. My Psychology professor is a younger guy with its PHD, and he's a cool teacher that actually does a really good job teaching. My sociology teacher on the other hand seems to kinda have a stick up her ass a little, but still seems interesting.

After 50 minutes of sociology I had two and a half hours to sit around and go fuck around on the computers... blogs, myspace, msn, etc... But I spent a lot of that time reading.

I have calculus now too...But there isn't too much to say about that class, my buddy Dave is in it so at least I have someone to talk to.The professor for that class is an old lady who is about four feet tall, but a real nice lady.

I could take some time off school and work where Jake is working doing some light construction and build small log homes. Some guy just quit and im sure if I wanted I could get a job there. I think my mom would kill me if I did that...

Last nights welcome home Justin/Big Lebouski party was a hit. But only in terms of how drunk everyone got. After Big Lebouski we went to the bowling alley where we tried to bowl drunk to little success... Justins cousins bought me beer so I drank and played megatouch. I showed Gift megatouch and she kicked my ass on the first try...

as I was going to the bathroom I noticed that there was a lot of writing carved on to the wall, so in my inebriated state I got my keys out and made my mark...
after bowling we all came back here drank some more and watched more movies. Brad had a little too much and fell asleep over the sink. The poor bastard had to drive back to Madison at 6...
all night Jake kept saying "I WANT SOME FUCKING FRENCH TOAST" then fell asleep on the bathroom floor...
Justin was the worst one of all, having been in Iraq for the last 5 months he hadn't really drank since the last time he was there for our last Big Lebouski party. His cousins got him trashed and he passed out once we got home.
the most interesting part of the night was the ride home from the bowling alley. There was only one car, one sober person who could drive and eight people who need to get back to my house. So what did we do? We crammed a bunch of drunk people into the car and did our best not to get pulled over.

this morning I felt fine... Until I stood up

I slept until 10 today... im really lazy.
I was out late last night at Katrina's, which was nice cause I hadn't seen her in a couple weeks. So my night couldn't have been any better. The roads were really shitty, but I wasn't about to let that stop me.
when I got home at about 1:30 I wasn't tired and it had been snowing so I decided I was insane and started to shovel snow and a cop stopped to talk to me about my brothers car being parked on the road (we're not supposed to do that when it snows out).
I realized I drank half a bottle of spiced rum Thursday night all alone, I don't think that's too good of an idea. Ill stick to like a third of a bottle from now on. I dont wanna become a lush or anything...

Justin and Sarah didn't come over to drink last night case they were 'too tired'. But tonight I think Jake might be having a 'Big Lebowski party' here. For those of you who don't know what that is, its when you sit around with people watching The Big Lebowski and drinking White Russians.
its a good time and it gets you drunk...

rum and coke is almost a little too good.

work was interesting this morning. I got up late, still a bit fucked up, then had to rush to get to work and blah blah blah... Its a good thing I have a cool boss who doesn't care if I come to work hung over.

Justin is back from Iraq so tonight may be a mirror of last night, only I wont be drinking alone... That's if I drink at all, some times after a night of getting smashed I don't even like to look at alcohol... Then again, it is a special occasion!

I completely forgot to watch the news last night, so I didn't catch the segment on blogging...

tonight on the news there is going to be a segment on blogging and local bloggers, that's fucked up!


ill fill in later... maybe

I went to town last night with Jake and Brad cause Jake need to go get some shit. We ended up going to the porn store so he could get Justin some porn as a welcome back from Iraq gift. He should be back some time this weekend. Anyways we got to talking with the girl that works there; every time iv been in there, she's been the one working. She informed us that the porn that sell the quickest is the piss porn... Yes that's right, urine porn. We couldn't believe it. We chatted with her for about ten minutes and she told us a bunch of stories about her job and the people that come in; she's really cool. I think it would be fun to work at a place like that. We were in there for like half an hour... Lot of that shit is fucked up!! I mean seriously... 70+ women having sex, that's fucking wrong... Yet in a way hilarious!

...........Me at 16......... Me three years later............

its hard to remember a time when I couldn't drive. I just don't think I want to, those days sucked! I think I even got out more when I couldn't drive. Once I got a car and my license I had to get a job... Once I had a job was to busy to go out and do things a lot; that and the whole antisocial thing. I quit sports so I could work, which to me made total sense. Why waist my time after school doing shit that I don't get paid for and that has no real payoff in the end?

I got pulled over for speeding on my way to the DMV today. I was going 13 over in a 25... It turns out that cops don't like it when you do that. Who knew? But because im such a smooth talker I got away with just a warning... That was a close one

The DMV fucking sucks...I had to wait in line for 45 minutes to do what took no more then 3...

"look in here.... read the line... what colors are there... smile for the camera... ok, your on your way"

they have four booths there and only one guy doing everything... idiots
most all of the people there looked really trashy and were rednecks. Except for an old couple who was there, they just annoyed the shit out of me!! The old lady couldn't hear worth shit, so the really old guy was practically yelling at her about the stupidest shit. He was fucking narrating what other people were doing when they got up tot the booth...
"LOOK YOU HAVE TO GET YOUR EYES TESTED TOOOO!!"
ugh... No shit; you had to fucking scream it?

I have to go to the DMV today to renew my license. So that's something to look forward to... im gonna try to get in there early so im not waiting in line all afternoon.

Why cant I do that shit online like everything else?

its been a long day...








Jake and I just watched Law and Order SVU as we do every Tuesday. Its always a good show, but incredibly fucked up!

During the commercials I came up with a new idea for the script... its a good one. im debating how much info I want to indulge about the script. im going to need to learn how to post video on here.

I need a real vacation soon, hopefully ill leave for a while during spring break.

mom: "Why are you drinking in the middle of the week???"

Nate: "Its monday!! its only the beginning of the week!"

I still haven't got around to writing a script yet. Jake had to explain to me what it was I had to do... I think ill just get a personal recorder and just talk into that instead of writing the thing down. Why? Because I am a lazy bastard.

Oh... and the musical guest at my funeral cant be country either. If it is I will haunt you all!!!

Clay to me that he couldn't sleep well last night either, so im pretty sure it was the Thai food.

There is a job opening up at the construction place where Jake works. I told my mom I was going to drop out of school to work full time... She wasn't to fond of that idea; not like she's the one paying for all my schooling in the first place.

Iv been trying to get a gmail account for the past 3 days and it wont fucking let me. I have to get them my cell number and they are supposed to text message me with a code that I need to get an account... But no, I never got the code... FUCK!

I think im going to go have a rum-and-coke... Why not?

Alright, Iv thought about it and there will be an open bar at my funeral. But im not sure how well booze and ice cream cake mix.

I think last nights Thai food fucked me up a little. I couldn't get to sleep; I laid in bed for an hour and a half and nothing... I didn't get to sleep until sometime around 1:30 leaving me with just under 3 hours of sleep before having to get up and go to work. Regardless, if Gift made more food id eat it.

The dinner that Gift made was very good. The soup was incredibly hot... Not hot like ouch that fire is hot, but like damn my whole mouth hurts cause it was soo fucking hot. But I like hot food so I enjoyed it. She also made a chicken stir-fry which was very tasty.

Trying to think up more things I want at my funeral is tough. im not sure if I want there to be an open bar or not. I don't think that getting drunk at my funeral would be a good thing... alcohol is a depressant after all....

upon my death i want the folllowing things at my funeral

1) all you can eat ice cream cake
2) i want to be wearing sunglasses
3) no one is allowed to wear black... im dead, that should be depressing enough without everyone having to bring the day down by wearing black
4) there should be a musical guest. NO RAP!

ill think up more later...

My buddy justin isn't coming home from Iraq as soon as we all thought.
at this moment my foreign exchange sister Gift is making some authentic Thai food for supper. I cant wait.
I was kicked out of my room again last night and ended up sleeping on the living room floor. Having a roommate can suck. But I know that if I had a girl over that Jake would do the same for me... (that rarely happens)
all-n-all my weekend could have been much better. Although, I did get to watch a lot of The Office and drink rum-and-coke; so I cant complain.

This is truly one of the best blond jokes iv ever heard!!
You have to check it out >>here<<

who has two thumbs and doesnt wanna go to work tonight??

not me.. i only have one thumb

I didn't sleep well last night. I was kicked outa my room once again... thanks Andrea. My dad was drunk and slept in the living room... So there went my second choice of a place to sleep. I ended up having to sleep on the couch in clay's room with no pillow and no blanket. To top it off I had an enormous headache and was incredibly tired.
last night I worked at a bar/restaurant washing dishes. I was working for Katrina so she could have some more time to work on other things. I was trying to be helpful...
im watching the matrix reloaded... I could go for a piece of that orgasm cake..

Yea, so I didn't make it to go give blood today. I went by the place and it was fucking packed. I underestimated the volunteer blood donating crowd I guess. Instead I drove around for 40 minutes listening to Matthew Good and looking for things to photograph. There was nothing. It's a shitty day in a shitty town.

Yesterday I was supposed to work on a script for a new project but I never got around to it. I was to busy laying around. im not even sure how to write a script. The ideas are all written down, but making something out of them is a whole new problem.

I think I know my problem. Or at least one of them. I day dream too much. My mind gets fucked up in thought and doesn't know what is real and what isn't. I imagine a different life, one not so shitty, and while I am things are good. But once my mind comes back into reality im disappointed cause im still where I am.

maybe I could drink those thoughts day dreams away.
im thinking ill go give blood today. Its only a block away and I have nothing else to do. I could go drunk and see if they notice, I would probably pass out. That would be fun.

Vincent Van Gogh has nothing on me!

My phone just started vibrating and I got all excited cause I thought that someone was calling me. It turns out I just set my alarm an hour ago and forgot about it.... My excitement turned into an immense feeling of disappointment.

Iv kinda been on edge lately. Mostly around my family. Then again they are the only people I ever see. If I don't get out soon ill die. Iv been snapping at them over little shit cause they've just been annoying the hell outa me.

We were told to just be ourselves while Gift was staying with us. So today when clay pissed me off I called him an asshole really loud... like I would do. And my mom got all pissed but kept her voice down so people would hear her yelling at me. She told us to be ourselves and its her who isn't acting like herself.

I ordered out some Chinese for lunch today... it was goooooood
its about 3:30 and I haven't slept yet today; its a new record! Iv spent most of the day ripping CD's to my computer and watching episodes of The Office. My music library has about doubled in one day.

this morning the roads were all ice making the drive to work all the more fun. To top the morning off I got a nice solid kick to my right knee which now hurts like a mo'fo' when going up and down steps...(did I just say " mo'fo' "?)

I think that if Indiana Jones and James Bond got in a fight Indiana Jones would totally kick Bond's ass...

For the guy to come and take a look at our internet connection cost $70 for the 20 minutes he was here. He didn't even find anything wrong with it... how nice

I was given the task of making supper tonight. I used two pounds of beef to make tacos. Unfortunately I had to work and when I got home everyone ate my supper leaving non for me. Now im left wondering weather or not I wanna go get some Chinese food or just starve tonight... Ill probably just starve.

Im really fucking hungry

Lately iv been staying up kinda late to go on the computer. This pisses Jake off cause while he's trying to sleep im typing away. We've been trying to determine who would win in a fight. Me or Jake. A couple years ago I would have said Jake. But now im not so sure. We sometimes just start fighting and hitting each other for no reason and we each tend to hurt one another. With work and working out iv gotten faster and stronger... So I think it would be a fair fight (id kick his ass!)

Iv been so bored... Today the internet got all fucked up again and did work until about three this afternoon. Usually my day has been watching movies and going online... and occasionally working.

Two more weeks of this.... im actually looking forward to going back to class. I took an advanced psychology class, philosophy, and sociology. Im really glad I got my english all taken care of in one semester; I fucking hated english class.

he tried to quit smoking a couple years back, but it just didnt stick...

iv been in and out of consciousness. Hours fly by while going incredibly slow at the same time. im not even sure how iv been killing the time. Movies and music mostly. I played trivial pursuit with Gift, clay, and my mom. But clay got bored half way through so we stopped before anybody won.

today I blah blah blah...
cant get over my writers block. There is nothing worth saying.

I day-dream a lot. Mostly about being rich without having to work for the money and then what I would do with the rest of my life. I would just live and do nothing. I wouldn't work ever again. Everyone tells me that it would get old. So then I go and do something new, just as long as its not work.

iv also day dreamed about being shot... not dieing, just being shot and going to the hospital. I don't really see that as morbid.

iv been sitting around drinking cappuccino and ice tea. Iv loaded up on caffeine for the night so I wont be tired. I don't know what for yet; I don't have anything to do...

Jake keeps giving me shit cause I blog. I know that I am a dork, and you know what... im cool with that.


guess what!?! Go on... guess!

Our foreign exchange student, Gift, is coming tomorrow. So I tried to get all the craziness out of me today...

Im good at saying really stupid things to people I shouldn't say them to. For instance... Today my mom work around the house and managed to make us all a nice dinner. I could tell she was kinda tired and just to lie down... she made a very nice dessert, and my dad, upon receiving his dessert said to my mom, 'what no ice cream?', (not a big deal, he was just joking around) to which I replied, "get off your ass and get it yourself" (not entirely joking around...) to say the least, it was not my best moment... but I think my dad was actually kinda impressed that I even said it... I think I even saw a little smile rise on his face

my mom heard a horror story about 'meningitis in college', so it was very important that I went out and got a vaccination a.s.a.p. I don't even live in the dorms; but i guess she's just trying to look out for me. it wasnt too bad, I was in-and-out in no time.

I drank so much tea today I think im becoming British... sweet...

Today was my first real day with nothing to do. I got home from work around 8:30 this morning, then sat around and watched some Band of Brothers and slept the rest of my afternoon...

For a while I played 'who blinks first' with the cat... He won

In less then a month ill be 19, wooooooo... what the fuck good is 19? I guess its just one step closer to 21... my next semesters' tuition is due on my birthday... happy birthday to me!

I get totally fucked up when I sleep in the after noon... Jake woke me up at about 4:45 and I looked outside and saw that it was light out. I thought it was morning and that I was hella late for work, so I was rushing through the house all pissed and Clay was like 'dude, what the fuck is your problem?'
it took a while for me to realize that it was still the same day...

In about ten days my buddy Justin comes home on a two week leave from Iraq. He has been gone sense the middle of august, he left right after getting engaged to my other friend Sarah... There is going to be a lot of drinking that two weeks he's home...

Does it make me a loser if I:

sleep in the middle of the day?

watch Gilligans Island?

have a subscription to National Geographic?

have a blog?

read blogs?

can sit and do absolutly nothing for long periods of time?

watch Star Wars?

enjoy watching movies with commentary?

say random dumb things for no reason?

make a list of things that may constitute me being a loser?

Both of my parents have off work today so they are getting the spare bedroom ready for Gift who will be come here to stay next Saturday. I hate it when they have off in the middle of the week. Im the only other person home so of course they put me to work...

Gift is my foreign exchange sister from Thailand. Her real name isn't Gift; that's just what people call her...

my writers block wont seem to fade away
so I will make a belated list of my 2005

January 05:
I started the year broken, depressed, and alone.
February 05:
I turned 18
bought some cigars and porn
saw Modest Mouse live for the second time
began to socialize more
got ripped and went hot-tubing on Thursdays with friends
March 05:
nothing too exciting sticks out in my mind about March, I worked a lot
April 05:
it had been three years sense my mom's cancer thing... She's great now
the end of high school was near, yet too far away
May 05:
still alone, yet not depressed
high school came to an end
I met Katrina
June 05:
I graduated after four years of sitting around in a shitty high school
got to know Katrina
no longer alone, and for once, happy
July 05:
had a lot of fun and good time with Katrina
drove an a long way to see Katrina for only a couple hours, but it was well worth it
we started going out, I got a 'neck bruise' days before my graduation party, so all my family got to see it
I went to Colorado with my family, the way out there was hell due to some sore throat thing I had, but I got pain kills, so it was all good
August 05:
good times continued
two of my good friends, Justin and Sarah, got engaged
went to a strip club
I quit my job and moved to west bend at the end of the month
September 05:
I got a job at walgreens, then quit after three days
I started going to college at UW-WC
started this blog
living in west bend sucked, so I moved back
October 05:
things started to be not as good, but weren't bad either
I saw the Decemberists live in Madison
Katrina and I went on a break
I went to Madison for Halloween, and went to see and got to meet My Morning Jacket
November 05:
I visited some friends at UW-O, met new people and got drunk
Katrina and I broke up
I felt like shit again and couldn't stop thinking about her, and didn't want to
I was a total idiot
December 05:
I felt as I did in November
got trashed at a family Christmas party
realized how much I still missed Katrina, and how I would hate myself if I didn't try to make things better
went to the Madrigal Dinner and had a good time
things seem to be getting better and Im happy again

the year ended much better then it started

(Im sure im forgetting some major things, if anyone can fill in some blanks that would be great)

and now its 2006... So far I think iv been off to a good start, I just hope it continues to get better.

fucking writers block...
its been tough to write lately. my mind has been one tracked for some time now.
i have a lot of time on my hands now, and nothing to do with it...

new years was good... bowling and booze...