iv been single for almost a year now. Its kind of strange
I don't even have feeling for anyone anymore. Back in grade school and through all of high school there was always at least one girl I had a crush on... some times there were 3 or 4.
not anymore, I don't have feeling for anyone. Mostly because there is no one around me to have feelings for. I don't know people at school. I don't work it people other than my boss. I cant go out to bars or clubs. Everyone I know has moved.
I spend my free time watching movies, listening to music, and wandering aimlessly around town with a camera in my pocket.
The person I talk to the most is myself and even im getting sick of the shit I have to say
its just been a total shitty day. I skipped class. Why? I don't know.
sometimes I think of giving up blogging... just deleting everything that iv posted and thought for this past 13 months. Flush it all down the drain.
iv got to get out of this lousy fucking mood that iv been in (if you come here often you have no doubt noticed it). Autumn does that to me. A lot of people view autumn as a time where things are beautiful and alive with color. But I see it for what it really is. Things starting to die.
the last 24 hour period I had away from work was my last day of vacation... six weeks ago.
See I have this problem where I nearly fall asleep at the wheel but stay awake just enough that I don't lose control. This was not the case today.
Even though I popped a caffeine pill (fast acting alertness my ass!!) before I got in my car I kinda maybe just a little fell asleep when I was driving. Lucky for me I was already in town. I hit the curb and it was enough to pull me out of my mini-nap.
Had I been in the country (which is what most of my drive to campus is) I would have hit gravel at roughly 95kmh (60 mph) and lost control. Yesterday's post could have been my last.
Yet here I am. The adrenaline rush from the near accident experience was nice but not something I want to have on a daily basis. I walked around town for about 3 hours last night listening to music. Well, I wasn't walking that whole time; the swings at the near by park were calling my name.
At the park this a kid, maybe 14 or 15 years old, called me 'bro'!! Instead of getting mad I just laughed at the irony.
What the fuck is it with people calling me 'bro' lately... My own brothers don't say that.
Lately my posts have been a bit depressing, they mock my whatever mood I happen to be in at the time... One minute ill be up. The next, im down. One minute depressed beyond no return and the next im laughing about how being depressed is pointless (and it is and I know it)
take 2: (the post I just wrote wasn't fitting...)
someone wrote "420" on the keyboard that im using.... That's cool. Damn kids.
the other day I was in sociology and I handed the day's notes to the person sitting next to me and he goes "Thanks Bro"
... bro? And he said it like "brah" too... even worse.
What I thought:
"BRO? I DON'T KNOW YOU BUDDY!! DON'T CALL ME BRO YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE. THIS ISN'T ORANGE COUNTY CALIFORNIA, IM NOT ON A FUCKING SURFBOARD! YOU DON'T FUCKING KNOW ME!! BRO... FUCKING DOUCHE BAG!!"
im not sure why it pissed me off. This guy look liked he just walked out of a fucking Hollister store or something. You know the type. preppy asshole who buys the $120 shirts because the TV says that women will like you if you wear it.
I guess you can say that I mentally over-reacted. (I didn't actually say any of that shit... Cause I would have most likely got my ass kicked)
As expected it was an uneventful weekend. Most I just sat around and thought.
Iv been having the urge to move away. Im not sure where. Maybe somewhere I can stay in school, maybe not, it doesn't really matter to me right now.
I definitely want to move out of this state. Moving out of the country would be a lot of hassle unless I marry someone from where ever I go (Canada most likely) which is something I would actually consider doing.
That's me several months ago when I was bored at school; as I am right now... Also, I don't have any fresh photos to post at the moment. Im so glad that I have short hair again. Im in the social computer lab (the lab that isn't necessarily for doing work) but im not doing any socializing. Im just sitting here ignoring all the chatter listing to Nirvana (unplugged in NY). I don't feel like striking up a conversation with anyone today. Its Friday and all I want to do it take my computer science test and go home.
Yesterday I did something rather out of character of me. I talked to someone at WalMart. Usually, whenever I do have to go there, I just get what I need and im out the door. But yesterday I walked past the digital cameras and saw a rather attractive older women shopping for a new camera. A much older employee was trying to help her but clearly didn't know what the fuck she was talking about...
...Anyways I went up to the woman and talked to her about what she is looking for and gave her some info and showed her my camera and told her about Canons (im such a loser... I carry my camera with me). She thanked me, gave me a kind smile, and I walked away.
The feeling that you've just helped out a complete stranger is kind of nice.
Iv been a bit busy lately, too busy to take any new "Half-Nekkid" photos. This is one that I took last week sometime... Sorry if it doesn't show enough nakedidity, next week's will be better. Just keep in mind that this is ART!
I don't even remember too much of what I did yesterday. I had an hour of class and I had to pick up my car from the shop. It was a boring day really.
Iv been passing out earlier at night; some times even before 10!! I think its because the caffeine pills iv been taking are draining everything out of me.
Its been over a month since I got back from vacationing in Winnipeg but it feels like years. I even had a dream about going back the other night. I miss the people that I met up there, even if I only knew them for a very short time... If only the people are here could be as cool as the people I hung out with in Canada... If only.
I just finished my sociology class and as usual, it depressed the fuck out of me. It was about consumerism and all that shit. It totally made me feel like a bastard because I spend money.
Now, im no where near the extreme they were talking about, but I guess im still a part of it. I don't by things on credit, I don't have a credit card. I could, I just don't. Iv been working nearly full time for the past 3.5 years and iv saved nearly half of everything iv ever made. I have saved enough to pay for my college for the next two years at least, I probably wont need to take out any loans to pay for my schooling.
My parents don't pay for my school, its all on me. They have been nice enough to let me live at home for these first couple years while I go to school near home, so that has helped out a lot. But paying for school is still up to me.
I do have my own car (not fancy), I have a computer (bought it used and cheap), I have bought shit that in retrospect I could live with out (iPod and DVDs).
I don't wear expensive clothes, my shirts don't say "nike" "AE" "Hollister" or any of that other bullshit that I see around school. I don't go out and buy the "in shit" and I could care less how I look to other people while at the same time I try to look respectable (im not a total bum). My shoes are a bit worn and faded (mostly because of that night I had to run though corn fields to get away from cops that busted up a party I was at months ago) but I don't NEED new ones.
and yet, I feel like a total fucking bastard for having money, money that I used for my education. Im in no way rich, iv just worked a lot more than me peers. When other kids in high school were in sports and extra-curricular activities I was at work. If anyone has ever wondered why I have little social life and few friends, that's why.
oh well, this is just how im feeling right now... My this time tomorrow the feeling will like to have faded away. I guess that's the problem, it shouldn't fade?
I left for school early today. About 3 hours early. I had work to do and I know that if I stayed at home that I wouldn't get anything done. There is too much to distract me at home. I know I would just end up watching TV or sleeping for masturbating... But most likely id do all three but not necessarily in that order. I started smoking again... I had quit for a month and I figured that was long enough. Plus this way I have a reason to go outside in the court yard and talk to people without looking like I went out there just because im a loser with no one else to talk to. I wont be smoking as much as I did before I quit; only at school. I brought my camera with me to school today to see if I can find anything worth while to photograph. The problem is that I don't like to us my camera when other people are around. For me taking photos is very personal.
When I was younger I used to enjoy weekend. They were a break, a mini-vacation. I don't see them that way anymore. Now they are just a void of time where I have even less to do. I don't go out on the weekends like most college students seem to do. I haven't been to a party in months. I want to get out more, I just don't know how. Iv forgotten... At the moment there are beer cans littering the area around my computer. They're accompanied by randomly placed post-it note with even more random writing on them, some with little sketches iv drawn.
My couch is covered in clothes and little things that I just threw on it instead of putting them away. Im sitting in a silent room. The only noise is the keyboard and the refrigerator fan that had just kicked in. Weekdays help me to fill up the void in time that I seem to be in. Going to class helps to occupy my mind. I don't stay there very long anymore. I go to class and once class is over I head straight for my car and back home. I don't know anyone at school really, and I guess I assume to now know them. I'll be leaving in less than a year anyways. I cant wait to move. I know iv had these feeling before I moved last time (which turned out to not be a good thing) but this time I think its different. Last time I moved away I was in a relationship and was leaving that and other friends behind. This time im not connected to anyone. Iv cut off whatever local friendships I once had so now there is nothing to hold me back form leaving and staying gone this time. I'll have a nice clean start at a new school with a new job with new people.
I actually socialized last night for the first time in a long time. It wasn't bad.
Then, today at school I talked to people I didn't already know.
Its been a week of socialization firsts.
Im just not a real 'people person'. Actually, Im quite dull. It's my dullness that gives me reason to occasionally drink. When I drink I feel fun, but in reality I just come off as annoying. There are way to many photos in my computer. Im at about 3000 now. Lately iv been taking anywhere from 70 to 100 photos a day. Of all those photos I only ever post 5 of 6 of them. Its about time I 'clean house' with my photos.
So its Thursday and I thought that I would maybe start up with the "Half-Nekkid Thursday" thing that I've been seeing here and there. So enjoy my slight nudidity. Maybe there will be a new one up next Thursday as well, who knows... And its NOT pornographic, its art.
Anyways...
... Now that school and work are back in full swing so is my addiction to caffeine pills. They are almost a necessity for me to be able to stay awake while driving and sitting through class. But my body over time had become to used to it so I end up taking 2 or 3 time the amount I should have in me. Probably not good for me... but there are a lot worse things that I could be doing.
Yesterday was one of those days... You know those days. One of those fucking days where you just wanna hit something. Im not even sure why it was, but it was. So I really didn't get around to blogger as I had predicted.
I did the math and I figured out that under this new system of payment im making less money at work now than when I started at the place three and a half years ago. I figured that im being underpaid by about $200 a month. That's kind of a big figure when I think about it in the long term. So I should have been making an extra $200 for the last year... If you cant do the math that comes out to be about $2,400 that I didn't get.
I only cared about it for about an hour then I over thought the whole thing and it no longer pissed me off... Just annoyed me. But rest assured that if anyone (my boss's wife) pisses me off at work im totally bringing that up with them. So I finally made a call to an auto repair shop for my car this morning. Something that I should have done about 8 months ago; better late than never.
The mechanic talked to me like I was a fucking idiot. It would have bothered me if I didn't already know that he was a total fat ass who is going no where with his life. Unlike me who is thin and is going no where with my life...
Iv been using my Flickr account a lot more now... so you can go there to check out some more of my photos.
I may not have time for a post tomorrow (who am I kidding... yes I will) so I just took some photos Im just doing a quick photo-post tonight... This is not a "photoblog"! Just because I post photos frequently doesn't make push it into that category. Fourty Blocks is still more about me and my wasted youth than it is my photography.
It has come to my attention that I cant spell worth shit. I hate proof reading my own writing... or anyone else's for that matter.
Guess how many hours I put in at work last week. 55 hours!! Yes, 55 hours in 7 days. I don't think iv ever worked so much. Unfortunately I don't get paid extra for overtime. Arriving early to my computer science class has been giving me time to browse through blogs a bit more. I have some catching up to do.
Im a bit odd. For some reason a new hair cut makes me feel like a totally different person. The shorter my hair gets the less I care about things and the less anxiety I have. Im more care free and just want to let my life float in what-ever-the-fuck direction it wants to go. I don't know... im kinda crazy. Longer shaggy hair, now that I think back on it, totally pissed me off and for some reason made me very self-conscious. Five years ago today:
Virginia Madsen turned 40. She's 45 today! Roxann Dawson turned 43. She's 48 today! What does this have to do with anything? Not a damn thing. I don't even know who the fuck they are really...
Half Nekkid Thursday will return next week.
So I finally made a call to an auto repair shop for my car this morning. Something that I should have done about 8 months ago; better late than never.
