I'm glad October is over. It was a rough month for me. A lot of things happened, a lot of things didn't. For the past three years October has haunted me. For the past three Octobers I've fallen into times of trouble and depression. For the past three Octobers I've felt anxious. For the past three Octobers my personal life has been shaken, jumbled, tossed around, knocked about, and rattled. October is over but I'm still here.
I can't hate October and the rough times it carries with it. Not always, but sometimes, good things come out of bad times. My life, as everyones, has been a regular cycle of good and bad times. I try to hold on to the good while walking through the bad. We all fall on tough times but if we forget, let go, or push away the good things what will we have learn? what will we have lost?
There are mornings where I wake up and the world around me is gray and bleak. The feeling of being claustrophobic in my own space causes me to feel sick. But something happens the moment I step outside. The air is cold, wind blowing, sun shining. I hear cars, wind in the trees, my own breath and heart, I can almost hear the sun. I close my eyes and for a moment everything becomes clear. No longer do I see or even hear these things but I feel them; not with my hands, not with my skin, but with me, every part of me. Things are no longer bleak. The gray I feel turns into a light beyond white. I open my eyes by closing them.
If you flip the photo upside down it would look like I'm smiling. I smile with my eyes anyway.
My adventures into poor nourishment continue. Spelling errors are common with me but had become far more frequent than I would care to admit. I see one word and say another, example: The router next to my computer says "secure easy setup" but what I read was "energy saving setup". My dyslexia has increased no doubt do to my lack of proper nourishment. On my way home from work early in today's AM I stopped at a 24 hour Pick-n-Save to get some sub-par sushi. Even sub-par sushi is good sushi when all you've had was a protein drink in that last 16+ hours.
For roughly the past two weeks Iv been showering with only shampoo to clean myself, no body wash. I figured that most of my body is covered in hair anyways so it couldn't hurt.
My fingers have forgotten where all the keys are on the keyboard and my words are coming out all mixed up.
I love to sleep. Closing my eyes and passing out after a long day/night is an awesome feeling. Lately it's not. REM sleep is the state of sleep where we dream. Lately I've been going to sleep hoping to by-pass that state. They're not nightmares just dreams that depress, a lot of the time I don't even remember what they were about but while the memory fades the feeling lingers. Being depress about something that my own subconscious made up sounds ridiculous, but it happens more often than I'd ever like. I blame it on my poor eating habits lately. I'm probably both mal- and under-nourished, not to mention dehydrated. One can only live on microwave burritos, noodle cups, and pop tarts for so long before it not only takes a toll on one's body but their mind (in this case the subconscious) as well.
Big storms are on their way for rest of the day. I may have to put off going to work for now.
Earlier today I have a great idea for a blog post but now, for the life of me, I can't remember what it was.
Iv kinda started working out again. The campus recently constructed a 21 million workout facility with all state-of-the-art shit. Nic and I went to check it out the other night and it's really nice and fuckin' huge. We worked out for about 30 minutes then called it a night. It felt good to do something good for me for once.
I moved into my new apartment on Sunday with the help of Lloyd. My room is still a mess, nothing is in the closet. I have yet to go out and buy any food aside from the bag of doritos that me and my buddy Ryan ate while drinking and watching Dog the Bounty Hunter Tuesday night. I've made several trips to Jimmy Johns in the past couple days. If you've never tried a Jimmy Johns sub I aught to slap you. Just writing about it now is bringing on a craving. The spell check doesn't recognize the word 'doritos' and as an alternative option is gives me 'clitorides'. After searching around on Dictionary.com (clitorides also not being a real word according to them) I came up with this: glans clitoridis. But according to the computers (or the browser's) spell check, clitoridis isn't a word either... someone fucked up some where.
It's an afternoon of signing my name. I got the on campus job that I applied for nearly 4 months ago. They called and offered me the job yesterday while I was at work. It's the first time that Iv ever been selected for a job that I actually interviewed for. My old farm job I kinda just started going to there was never an interview or application process and my job at the club I basically just walked in talked to the owner and was given the position. It's a nice feeling knowing that out of everyone that was interviewed for this job I was the most impressive.
In about an hour I have to head over to the place that I'm moving into to meet my other roommate and sign the sublease papers. At first I was a little unsettled by the whole situation but its really no different than living in residency. At least this time I get my own room...
I deleted my MySpace account about a month ago already. It feels so good to be free again. I haven't once missed it not that I really should, I never really used it anyways. It sounds stupid but deleting it felt kind of liberating.
A while back one of the regulars at work told me that she tried finding me on MySpace, I felt a bit weirded out. I don't know why.
I'm keeping facebook around because it is more school orientated. But, as soon as people are start making there own templates and comprising their page backgrounds with .gif images that cause brain aneurysms, I'm out
Last night's tedious drive home was mentally stimulating. As I was traveling roughly 70mph I came within 4 feet of hitting a deer and it got me thinking. Had I hit that deer at 70mph I would have likely lost control of my car and in turn my life. Every moment up to that point where I zipped by this animal I was unknowingly making life and death decisions. It's the butterfly effect, not the shitty movie, but the actual theory. My mind kept running through the past 45 minutes or so thinking Wow, had I paused at that stop sign for 1 second instead of 2 I would have slammed into that deer... Had I not accelerated at exactly the exact acceleration I did, I would have slammed into that motha' fuckin' deer!! Every moment up to that point was affecting what would have happened the split second that deer and I crossed paths. Makes one think...
I haven't been eating well, when I do eat that is. Being without any sort of stable place of residence takes its toll on me, mentally and physically. I used to be like going to work, but now that I know it'll take me an hour of straight driving to get home going to work stresses me out.
Iv been waking up these past few days from unpleasant dreams, unsure if they're the reason I feel like shit or the fact that it's been nearly a day since I've eaten anything remotely substantial. This will likely all pass once I get settled into a new place, if that happens. I don't always remember the dreams, only that they were shitty...
The weather has taken a turn for the cold. On Monday it was sunny and warm. As if someone simply turned off the heat it was all gone and I'm forced to bundle up when going outside.
So my Spanish teacher didn't show up to class today. Makes me really glad I came up to school early. I'm back to commuting from home until I get my whole living situation figured out. So to drive 45 miles to find out that there is no early class is a bit annoying. It's not that bad really, I'd actually rather be up here than sitting at home going crazy under the weight of my own boredom.
In November I'll be going to see Modest Mouse in Milwaukee for the 3ed time. It'll just be me and Lloyd this time. Jake, as Iv said before has been living in Arizona for about six months now and I'm starting to miss him especially when it come to thing that us brothers liked to do together (like go to concerts).
Would it be offensive to elderly people if I were to get an electric wheel chair simply because they look like fun and some time I'm just to lazy to walk?
Iv made it a quiet goal of mine to find then best philly cheese steak sandwich around these parts. I had one yesterday afternoon when Nic and I went out for an early dinner and I have to say, this one is at the bottom of the list. It was a HUGE sandwich which gives it some points but it was way to dry. I know that if I were a real blogger that I would have had my camera with me and taken a photo of it, but I cant remember what bag I threw it in the other day when I moved my shit back home. Anyways, not the greatest sandwich... the search continues...
For the forth time in about 6 months I'll be living in yet another place. It's kind of a sad thing when you can fit everything our own into your car. In less than an hour I can be moved and all traces of me and my shit are gone.
Why I'm moving again is a bit personal and I don't feel it's appropriate to get into it right now. But things are ok as far as I can tell.
My oldest and best friend Ryan has now not only introduced me to a woman whom I love with all my heart and hooked me up with a job at the night club I currently work at but he has now also hooked me up with a place to live with a couple friends of his who needed a roommate. I owe him a lot...
With every change in my life that is thrown at me my blogging being very sporadic. Fourty blocks has been around for over two years now and for the last several months Iv been a stranger to my own work, my own art. My camera and this blog have collected dust but my mind has been thrown into overdrive. Thoughts come to me more than ever now, thoughts of things that cant really be written or described in any way. Thoughts that cant be described using any senses. trying to write about them wouldn't do any justice. Even when I try explaining them to others, the words fall short and are lost to confusion.
Am I too old for my age? for my own good? Have I grown up too fast? Am I really a product of my own wasted youth?
I kicked a girl out of the club the other night for hitting another pregnant girl in both the face and stomach (I didn't know she was pregnant, but she was). Both are only 18 and the one who did the hitting has a little son of her own... at 18. You'd be surprised to know how many people at or under the age of 18 have kids and still with out fail come out to the club. It lead me to wonder "Where the fuck are these babies when they are out here slutting it up on the dance floor?" I got my answer the other week when two young girls (both 18) who were both regulars came in about 30 minutes before close. I was working the door and they wanted to go in for free just for 5 minutes to dance. I denied them of course, not cause I was trying to be an asshole but to make a point that I wont bend the rules for these two deviants who think they can get away with what ever they want. After telling them no for the third or fourth time one said "Come on! we just wanna go up for 5 minutes then well go, my kid is out in the car we'll be right out." Your kid is out in the car!? It's fucking 1:30 in the morning and your kid is out in the car! Sure enough her little son who could be more than a year old was out in the car with two of the girls young friends. She even brought the kid in to show me and to throw away a dirty diaper. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. I should have called social services on her ass. This teenage mommy is the same one who hit the pregnant girl the other night, obviously I was more than happy to kick her out of the club (for life). Not that this will really change her behavior, now she'll just have to drive around elsewhere with her baby at 1:30 in the morning looking for somewhere else to get her drama.
There are others ranging from 16 through 20 who come in who have little children of there own, more than I would have guess. They are all still kids themselves. Some where there is a whole generation of children being raised by kids and the thought makes me feel ill.
I got a call from my brother Jake a while back (he lives in Arizona now... lucky bastard) and we discussed, among many things, the fact that we both don't seem to relate to others our own age, or maybe we just don't see the right people. Our peers, those we grew up with and those we observe in day to day life, see to behave in a far different manner. We based most of it on how we were raised, but that can only be a part of it. A lot of the people we grew up with had parents who raised them like friends, who gave them things they wanted but not things they needed. When I was 15 and Jake 17 our mom was diagnosed with cancer and immediately underwent chemotherapy. We fell into rough times, lived on welfare while our mom laid sick. Our dad, as he as always done, worked his ass off for us, but at the times things were slow. Rough times indeed. It was just as summer started and I had just got my temp drivers license. I drove my mom to therapy 30 minutes away, I worked around the house, Jake worked at a local golf course and Clay I believe was attending summer school during the day. The times matured us a lot. I got sick feelings in my gut when I found out the people at our church had collected food for our family, I don't know why, but I did none the less.
The first month of my mom's cancer I didn't say a word to anyone. I never mentioned it to people at school, even my best friends didn't know about what was happening in my house and in my head. Looking back on it I can't say why I kept everyone in the dark about my home life, I suppose I didn't want anyone's pity for our situation... same reason I didn't like accepting other's charity.
My mother is the strongest woman I've ever know. She didn't tell me about the cancer for about a week, but she didn't need to. I knew something was wrong and I knew what it was, I don't know how, but I did. She cried as she told me, I cried as she told me. "I'm not afraid of dieing, but I don't feel like I'm done raising you and your brothers and I can't leave you let." she said to me with tears in her eyes. Those of you who read this have no idea how hard it is for me to write about and recall this moment in my life. From that day on Iv felt grown up, I didn't find much joy in the things others my age did, it all seemed very small (thats the best way I can describe it). My mother recovered and bounced back with so much strength it was incredible. She looks younger now than she did before her body became invaded with the illness, she has to this day never let me or my brothers down.
We were raised in situations, like most are, that were our control. My brothers and I were raised not by pop culture, or tv, or our peer, but by two of the most supportive and strong people we will ever know.
Jake and I discussed, in our several hour long talk, how we now fear that we couldn't raise children the way our parents did. Could we really offer to our own children the strength and support that our parents gave us?
This post has become a novel. I'm waiting to go to a job interview on campus. I filled out and turned in an application to work on campus several months ago and never thought about it again until I got a call last week to come in for an interview. I figure that it couldn't hurt to have a second part time job on top of the club.
My legs are twitching. It's been about 48 hours since iv really had anything to eat. It has been a rough couple days but Im coming back up from it now.
Saturday night was my first time behind the bar for a really busy night and I must say, I rocked the fucking house! Customer after customer, drink after drink, I was flying. I had maybe one ortwo little fuck ups but they mostly went unnoticed. And to top it off at the end of the night I had a 64 oz. beer pitcher FULL of cash from some awesome tippers. One dude who had a tap with me left me $15 (my largest tip of the night). Being a door guy checking IDs and running beer if fun, but put me behind a busy bar and I'm fucking rocking! Leaving the club with a pocket full of twenties isn't a bad feeling either.
Iv never tried the combination but the drink I specialized in was making Vodka Red Bulls. Not that it's terribly hard (vodka and red bull... duh) but I had people by half way thought the night that only wanted me to make the drinks for them.
I'm glad October is over. It was a rough month for me. A lot of things happened, a lot of things didn't. For the past three years October has haunted me. For the past three Octobers I've fallen into times of trouble and depression. For the past three Octobers I've felt anxious. For the past three Octobers my personal life has been shaken, jumbled, tossed around, knocked about, and rattled. October is over but I'm still here.
