Nov

I'm glad October is over. It was a rough month for me. A lot of things happened, a lot of things didn't. For the past three years October has haunted me. For the past three Octobers I've fallen into times of trouble and depression. For the past three Octobers I've felt anxious. For the past three Octobers my personal life has been shaken, jumbled, tossed around, knocked about, and rattled. October is over but I'm still here.

I can't hate October and the rough times it carries with it. Not always, but sometimes, good things come out of bad times. My life, as everyones, has been a regular cycle of good and bad times. I try to hold on to the good while walking through the bad. We all fall on tough times but if we forget, let go, or push away the good things what will we have learn? what will we have lost?

There are mornings where I wake up and the world around me is gray and bleak. The feeling of being claustrophobic in my own space causes me to feel sick. But something happens the moment I step outside. The air is cold, wind blowing, sun shining. I hear cars, wind in the trees, my own breath and heart, I can almost hear the sun. I close my eyes and for a moment everything becomes clear. No longer do I see or even hear these things but I feel them; not with my hands, not with my skin, but with me, every part of me. Things are no longer bleak. The gray I feel turns into a light beyond white. I open my eyes by closing them.