poison apple

My body wont forgive me for last night. Had I died they would have found my stomach content to consist of an apple and an alarming amount of cheap gin.

After an unlucky night of bingo with some friends from work I decided to stop by my neighbor's apartment and see what the the ladies were up to. All three had off work and ones boyfriend had driven up for the night so it was time to drink and when a lady offers you a drink it would be rude to say no. Between me, one of my roommates and one of my neighbors we polished off the whole bottle of gin and then some. It went down so nicely with some 7up... too nicely. I had only eaten an apple earlier in the day, you can only imagine what the alcohol did to me with an empty stomach.

The rest of the night is a bit hazy, but I behaved myself.

In class this morning I was half hungover and half still drunk. All I could think about was getting a muffin and some of the delicious coffee they brew on campus. When class was over and I went to satisfy my craving I discovered there were no more blueberry muffins left. I was heart broken and had to settle with the banana nut instead.

Writing this I'm thinking to myself who honestly would want to read this?

I got another call yesterday for a job interview. I don't even remember filling the application out. Two jobs is enough for me right now. This next semester is going to kick my ass anyways, I don't wanna add to the work load. Although, at the suggestion of a friend at work, I put in an application to get a promotion for next semester. It's doing the same job but a couple more responsibilities, more hours and more money.

I'm not putting my hopes into it really and I don't expect to get it, but apparently it look very good in the future when reapplying for the position.

spitting venom

I came across this video last night and laughed my ass off. And no, I wasn't searching for porn when I did.

I've finally added a little culture to my room. To me culture comes in the form of a 4' x 5' Radiohead poster from the campus book store. It's just what my wall needed. Also I've started reading But Is It Art?: An Introduction to Art Theory. I'd like to say that I'm reading it just for the fun of it, but it's for a class I'm taking. Although, I am genuinely interested in the subject.

Sports? Last night at work we were all just sitting around and three of the guys I work with were talking about god knows what about sports... players, teams, coaches, shit I know nothing about so I sat there and zoned out watching the little green light on my radio blink steadily and looking for patterns in the carpet design.

Later while walking around with L, the girl who was our lead for the night...

L: "Not a sports fan huh?"
Me: "Painfully obvious wasn't it?"
L: "Looked like you were about to fall asleep."
Me: "No, I was just so engaged in the conversation that I couldn't even speak."
L: "You're kinda a smart-ass huh?"
Me: "You have no idea..."

I skipped my classes yesterday. Like a five day break wasn't good enough. I woke up this morning feeling like there was something I needed to do. Sure enough when I looked at my Spanish syllabus I found out that I had an oral exam today (a day that we usually have no class). It was like some weird 6th sense thing. Of course I was under prepared but an extra day wouldn't have helped. I let myself sleep in this morning anyways and it was the most refreshing and peaceful sleep I've gotten in a very long time. No depressing dreams, I was actually in a lucid state where I could control what was happening to me and control I did. What was an hour of sleep felt like days.

the busy ant empire

It takes but a moment of choice.

This weekend my parents lost a dear old friend of theirs to an event that should have never been.

He went to school with my mom. Loving husband, caring father, and good friend. The best-man at my uncle's wedding. The kindness of strangers can save your life, but not everyone is kind and sometimes it takes your life.

He was leaving the bar after a day of hunting. As he the packed bar he bumped into a man he didn't know. We find out later that this man has been recently let out of jail where he was staying for assault charges. Drunk and enraged by this accidental run in the stranger followed him outside and sucker punched him in the back of the head.

It takes but a moment of choice.

He fell from the blow hitting his head on the concrete. We later learn that oxygen was deprived from the brain for over 8 minutes. Flight-for-Life was called and he was rushed to the hospital, but the damage to the brain was too severe. Later the next day he was taken off life support. Fortunately he was an organ donor and even in death was able to help others.

Rewind roughly two weeks before the tragic incident. He discovers that his lovely wife who had recently battle and won against breast cancer had come out of remission and the cancer was not only back but in her skull.

My mother had grown up with both of them and they had been very close. "How could something like this happen? Why would God let this happen?" She asked me. She had cry the whole previous day and I could see she was too worn out of cry anymore. I didn't have an answer.

Life is too short, you never know what it will throw at you, and you never know when it ends.

It takes but a moment of choice.

today

One year ago.
Two years ago.
Today, I'm lazy.

We are the Europeans, we've brought you a cake!

This year was the first thanksgiving ever that I wasn't with my family. I had to work at one job in the afternoon and the other later that night so the drive home would have accomplished very little.

Originally my plan was to spend thanksgiving alone at my place with a can of ravioli and some dvds to keep me company, or maybe I would have made a chicken cup-o-noodles and pretended that it was just really bad turkey. Unfortunately, those plans fell through. A couple at work invited me over to there house for some real food and real alcohol. I didn't want to feel like a charity case so I made them some fucking awesome brownies, it's really the only kind I know how to make.

We sat drinking beer after beer laughing and having a great time. I couldn't think of a better way to have spent the day. Afterwards we carpooled up to work (yes, we were open on thanksgiving) and I lost my buzz. Before I left for home they gave me three big bags of leftover thanksgiving food. Turkey, potatoes mashed and baked, green beans, amazing stuffing, veggies, gravy, and to top it all off, half a pie!

I bitch about my job at the club a lot. Almost since starting there I've been talking about looking for a bar tending job closer to home, and it's made me sound like a broken recored to some. But the truth is while I may hate my job from time to time, I hold the friendships I've made there in very high regard and the only thing really stopping me from leaving and working around here is the people who I work with.

Bad ass

So this one time back in high school I was out shopping with my mom and she wanted to get me a new pair of pants. We went around the store and pick out some nice ones. This was during that time in my life where I wasn't into wearing underwear so when it came time for me to try them on I wasn't able to because it would have been "gross". My mom wasn't to happy with me.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Adventures into morality

I only saw a total of (maybe) 5 hours of sunlight all weekend. For the most part I was going to bed as the sun was coming up and leaving home long after it had set.

I'm one of the only people I know who is staying in town all of break. My roommates have already left and will be gone until late Sunday. I'll be here by myself when I'm not working, this I'm not looking forward to.

Back to this weekend, it was to say the least, interesting and eventful. I needed a good weekend after over a month of feeling like shit. But the highlight of my weekend was getting an email from a fellow blogger with some very kind words and some good advice.

Vagabond

It's my night off. For some reason I wasn't scheduled tonight and I wouldn't mind as long as I had something to do, somewhere to go, but I don't. I was hanging out with my roommate who I'm lucky enough to get along with but they just left for the bars. The only reason I'm looking forward to turning 21 is the social aspect of going out. At 20 there is only really one place I can think of to go for a similar effect... my job. I don't wanna be one of the guys who has a night off so he goes into work to hang out, if I'm there I wanna be working.
I stayed an extra three hours at my campus job yesterday because 1) they had a lot that needed to be done and 2) I had no where else to go. I wasn't thinking about the extra hours or money, just the break from boredom. I work to take a break, how pathetic.

I'm hoping that this next semester I can work enough on campus that I wont have to work every night at the club. I need a night off once in a while, a weekend night, a night where I can go out and relax.

I've been going back looking through my old photos, the ones I took before I moved. The rose; beautiful, delicate, and once full of life. The rusted metal; dead, hard, cold. Yet in the photos they are similar; textures, shadows, curves, content. I never put much meaning behind my photos.

Sour

The sweet is never as sweet without the sour.

Maybe it's my Karma, if I even believe in such a thing. Maybe everything is preordained and what happens is meant to happen. Or maybe I just like to make excuses for my own shortcomings and fuck-ups. I'm probably right with that last one.

I took that photo over a year ago and it's still one of my favorites. I remember that afternoon. It was as black as night due to the storm and I rushed from work to catch then ending. I got to my favorite photo spot overlooking the marsh and there it was. There is no sweet without sour. Had the storm not come I would have never seen what I did that afternoon. My storm has come again but I'm not worried. Things may be dark, dreary, and even depressing now, but storms end and sometimes what comes out of the storm can be beautiful. There is no sweet without sour.

Of late

Iv been eating better lately. Anything is better than noodle cups every day. Real food, green food. I smoke less, "on my way to quitting". Quitting is only tough when others around smoke. One of my roommates and my neighbor smokes, they smoke what I smoke, making it worse. Smoking becomes dessert they are only really good on a full stomach.

Last night one of the upstairs neighbor's girlfriend came knocking on our front door asking for cigarettes. In exchange she gave me a piece of licorice. She came back about 30 minutes later, knocked and just stood there with a dollar in her hand looking at me. No smile, no hello, no greeting of any sort. I stared at her, her looks matched her personality, it's in no way a compliment. "Cigarettes?" I asked. She just nodded. I gave her two and she shoved the dollar in my hand and walked back up the steps. I stood there a second thinking they sell these things right across the street.

I look young. Some say it's a good thing. When I'm behind the bar and 30-40 year old women tell me I look like I'm not old enough to be doing my job I get annoyed. The other night I just walked away from customers who said that. If you ladies don't think I'm old enough to serve your drinks then you simply wont get any. It's mainly the women who question my age when behind the bar, but guys whose IDs I check at the front door often ask how old I am. I don't dignify them with an answer, I just come back with something like "old enough to be checking your ID."

gallery

The gallery emptied into large desolate hallway. The art patrons, proud parents, and casual wanderers were already seated in the opera house awaiting the start of the symphony. To my right was a long table filled with intermission delights, mostly store bought cookies but the aroma was intoxicating none-the-less. I was hungry but my apatite had been poor the past couple days so I walked on. Then it started. To the left of me was the opera house door and from the cracks and gaps around them poured the sound. I stopped and as I often do closed my eyes and allowed myself to truly hear. Sound is merely vibrations in the air and I could fell them all over my body. They penetrate the skin and reach the core. My ears had little to do with what I was hearing. The feeling of being alone in the hallway (and life in general) was gone. There was sound everywhere, vibrating, bouncing, penetrating. It filled every part of the hallway and it no longer appeared as empty and desolate, I no longer felt empty or desolate or even hungry. I stood there for no longer than a second or two, a moment exists in infinity. I walked out the door in the cold and headed for home. It wasn't the music but the sound.